“Well this is my first boyfriend so I don’t really know!” I said to Nana Kofi on the phone. Then I proceeded to tell him all about my new relationship. See about 7 years ago, Nana Kofi and I would have been on the phone together, but for very different reasons. He had liked me and wanted to date me but I had told him that I could only be in relationships towards marriage.
It was difficult for me but we had gone our separate ways because he would not lie to me, marriage was not on his mind. I could only marvel at how time had flown. As we spoke, I was so glad on the inside for several reasons. I was rejoicing because I could have a very normal conversation with him, free from bitterness or past hurt. This was the Lord’s doing. 7 years ago, I was a freshman. I was young and foolish, like the average 18 year old. I was met with my fair share of temptations but the Lord delivered me and kept me so I think it’s worth sharing with you, that He can do the same for you.
At the time, the devil fed me with several lies.
Lie #1. I’m missing out.
“You know I agree with your style of dating. You haven’t missed out on anything,” Nana Kofi told me. I couldn’t believe my ears as he said this.
You’re losing something. You’re missing something. If you can’t have him then you won’t be happy. That was lie #1 for sure. Nana Kofi told me that night he honestly felt that everything I could have experienced back then, I would now experience in my current relationship. He said, I wouldn’t be necessarily more knowledgeable if I had dated different guys throughout college before finally entering a relationship towards marriage. While we wait for marriage, and guard our hearts till the right time, the enemy deceives us that we’re not as happy as everyone else who is dating or that we’re not as special as everyone who is dating. But no, you are a sound, attractive individual and that is why you must save yourself till you’re ready for marriage.
Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22
Lie #2. Being in love means everything.
“I dated this girl in New York, and then one in Connecticut and then another close by.”
This was the first time Nana Kofi had elaborated on his past dating life while he was in college. I hid my surprise. I thought all the while in college, he had never dated anyone else because he was still hung up over me! Haha yeah I definitely overestimated what he meant by liking me. I had been in love and I thought he was too. Being in love with your beloved or future spouse is a great and important thing but it doesn’t mean everything.
Chances are, young as you are, you might fall in love with people you meet in class or on the bus or in church. But being in love is no assurance that you should enter a relationship with anyone. We are tempted when we are drawn by our own lusts. Rather we must seek God each time we feel our hearts being tugged in a certain direction, we must inquire, God is this the right person? Is this the right time? And I’ll be honest with you, it’s not as deep as you think. Nana Kofi had moved on and dated several girls after he told me he liked me. What did that tell me? Was he worth me compromising my beliefs? Certainly not.
And David enquired at the Lord, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? 1 Samuel 30:8
Lie #3. No one will ever like me again
Even though I had turned him down, I struggled in the aftermath. I remember crying on Christmas Day: how would I get over him? How would I ever meet another guy like him? But this was a lie and deception. It’s a lie that makes you settle and compromise your values. I assure you, love will find you again. If you commit yourself to God, He will give you the desires of your heart.
Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:4
Lie #4. It’s just sex.
No it’s not! If I had had sex with Nana Kofi in college, I’m pretty sure I would never want to be on the phone with him again, even years later! I would hate him because he wouldn’t marry me, he wouldn’t commit himself to me but he had experienced with me some of my deepest pleasures and seen me in my most vulnerable state. Premarital sex is harmful to your body, your well being and your ability to trust others. Nana Kofi hung around me quite a lot even after our “episode.” We were just friends and we studied together or met up from time to time. It would have been so easy to become “friends with benefits.” But it would have been detrimental to me. It would have ruined any possible chance of a real friendship after that. Sex is an intimate, vulnerable act that is meant to occur between two people who have vowed to be so close and vulnerable with each other that they can be referred to as one person. This is God’s law for our own good!
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:17
Lie #5. No one really wants to commit to marriage now. I need to casually date in the meantime.
“I’m not getting married anytime soon,” Nana Kofi told me that night.
I chuckled at that. 7 years later, marriage was still not on his mind. He had a career he wanted to focus on. But there exist several guys who do not think like him. I couldn’t see back then but if I could have, I would have known that there are brothers who are very interested in marriage! Any guy who sincerely wants to be with you will want you for the rest of his life and will wait for you, just as Jacob waited till he could marry Rachel. Guys like Jacob still exist! I told Nana Kofi about my current relationship and he asked so many questions. I answered each of them and reflected on how different this relationship was from what Nana Kofi had offered me. My beloved had told me he liked me just as Nana Kofi did, but he had taken several steps further, he had told me he intended to marry me, he had spoken to my pastor about me, he would pray with me concerning our marriage, he had made it clear to me that we would wait till we were married before engaging in physical intimacy. I praised God inwardly. I knew God had given me something so much better, but only because I had put my trust in Him. Trust in the Lord and lean not on your understanding, be encouraged, don’t be deceived, with patience you shall inherit all the promises! Amen.
And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. Genesis 29:18
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5